Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Dead Deer Walking
Ever been walking through the woods at night and had the sensation that something was following.....
This picture is from Montana , where someone set out a motion sensor camera to see if any big bucks were passing in the area.
It's a one in a million shot!
Flower Show
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and Said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'
'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 note.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The smiling and naked Old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.
'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement. '
The thin one leaned over and Said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'
'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 note.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The smiling and naked Old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.
'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement. '
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Pet Owners
'I swear a Big Doberman busted in and just tore the place up.....'
How to tell when its time to make your kids sleep in their own bed.....
'Ahhh, the fresh, relaxing aroma of feet.......'???
' Harlem Globetrotters here I come'
Par-tay, Par-tay, Par-tay!
'Uh, cat? What cat?'
There's no explaining Love.
Mad Skills....
Life is short!
Break the rules!
Forgive quickly!
Kiss slowly!
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably. .
And never regret anything that made you smile.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Why God Made Mums
WHY GOD MADE MUMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from mens' bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mum?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's Mums like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mum?
1. My Mum has always been my Mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mum marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My Grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such an idiot.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad..
What's the difference between Mums & Dads?
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from mens' bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mum?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's Mums like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mum?
1. My Mum has always been my Mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mum marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My Grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such an idiot.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad..
What's the difference between Mums & Dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her talk, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. You know, her hair. I'd die it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING -- SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AUNTS and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good laugh!!!
Nine Months Later
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob,do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?
''Yes, I do.' said Bob
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes, 'Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did''
And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?
'Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy; I'm afraid I did.
' Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... now keep that smile for the rest of the day :)
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob,do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?
''Yes, I do.' said Bob
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes, 'Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did''
And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?
'Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy; I'm afraid I did.
' Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... now keep that smile for the rest of the day :)
A Good Postman
A GOOD POSTMAN
One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.
'The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?
''Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women tries to guess who it is.
'The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.
''Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Japanese Fart
A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally let out a big fart.
She looked up and said: 'Aww so sowwy... excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud.'
So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally let out a big fart.
She looked up and said: 'Aww so sowwy... excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud.'
Helpful Farmers
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate.
He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, 'were they all dead?'
The old farmer replied, 'Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how those bastards lie.'
The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate.
He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, 'were they all dead?'
The old farmer replied, 'Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how those bastards lie.'
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Hydro Bill
I complained recently about my Hydro bill and here's
the response I received :
the response I received :
Dear Customer,
Just a little note to let you know we understand your anger
in the recent price hike.
But it should be noted that you have no choice.
We are a big company and you will pay what we tell you.
You have no choice We have the power, you need the power.
So sad....too bad.
We have enclosed a little picture to help outline our response.
Have a nice day and keep those checks coming!
Sincerely,
Manitoba Hydro.
Easter in Canada..eh!
Easter in Canada ..eh!
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.
The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.
The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.
The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ...
"St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."
St. Peter fainted.
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.
The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.
The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.
The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ...
"St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."
St. Peter fainted.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Happy Easter
They live on a ranch in Durango CO and have 900 baby chicks. Every year, for Easter, they inject the eggs with food coloring,
and when they hatch, they are brilliant with color.
She uses, pink, purple, orange,green, pink, red, turquoise etc.
They aren't hurt by the process, and as they grow,
they return to their normal colors.
I've never seen anything so darn cute in my life.
Wouldn't you just love to grab a handful of these little puff balls?
Saturday, April 11, 2009
And The Morale of the Story Is....
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved. But then teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.
"Ernie, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last enemy with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher.
"What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved. But then teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.
"Ernie, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last enemy with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher.
"What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."
Houswife of the Year Nominee !?!?!?
HOUSEWIFE OF THE YEAR NOMINEE !?!?!?
SO GROSS - HOW COULD ANYONE LIVE LIKE THIS??
Remember when you last said to a visitor, sorry about the mess, I haven't done my cleaning yet today! - well, you'll never say it again after seeing this!!!
OMG, this is absolutely gross. Where did she sit or sleep for that matter???
By the looks of the stained couch cushions, my guess is that she didn't move
very far from there...
This is an actual apartment..found in Houston after the
evacuation for the hurricane.
This is NOT hurricane damage....
evacuation for the hurricane.
This is NOT hurricane damage....
The apartment was found this way prior to the hurricane. Hard to believe there wasn't a fire with all the cigarettes.
Did this woman ever hear of an ashtray?
Nope..... Empty soda cups will do thanks!!!
Oh My Goodness!!
I am sure she had intentions of cleaning.......but, probably put it off till tomorrow~
Maxine's Bird Feeder
I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it is, as I filled it lovingly with seed.
Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.
But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table and next to the barbecue.
Then came the shit. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table... everywhere!
Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.
And others birds were boisterous and loud.
They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore! So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone.
I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio. Soon, the back yard was like it used to be... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.
Now let's see... Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.
Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands.
Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.
Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than the 'Maple Leaf' are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.
Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder. ..
If you agree, pass it on; if not, continue cleaning up the shit!
Why work for the Government
The Four Cats Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,The second man was an Accountant,The third man was a Chemist, and The fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff. T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff..'Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'
The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.' Coffee Break jumped to his feet.......
Ate the cookies........
Drank the milk.......
Shit on the paper.......
Screwed the other three cats.......
Claimed he injured his back while doing so........
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......
Put in for Workers' Compensation...............
and Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............
AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!
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