Thursday, October 22, 2009
Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,"What's yours?""I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke. The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress."No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,"What's yours?""I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke. The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress."No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Idiot Sightings
IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave
the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill
back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my
request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said, 'We're sorry but
they could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not
have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made
at that time, a ½ horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that ½ was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not.
Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.
Happened in Ottawa , ON
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative
office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't
think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Collingwood , ON
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Winnipeg , Manitoba
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Toronto , Ontario
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing
driving?!'
She is a government employee in Montreal, P.Q.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the drivers side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Guelph, Ontario
STAY ALERT!
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave
the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill
back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my
request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said, 'We're sorry but
they could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not
have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made
at that time, a ½ horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that ½ was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not.
Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.
Happened in Ottawa , ON
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative
office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't
think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Collingwood , ON
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Winnipeg , Manitoba
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Toronto , Ontario
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing
driving?!'
She is a government employee in Montreal, P.Q.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the drivers side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Guelph, Ontario
STAY ALERT!
Monday, July 20, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley
A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley:
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!
Paint Your Cat
Paint Your Cat!
I didn't even know they did this. Some of the paint jobs cost $15,000 and had to be repeated every 3 months as the cat's hair grows out.
Must be nice to have $60,000 a year just to keep your cat painted!!
Absolutely stunning.
And people wonder why cats sometimes attack their owners!!
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