An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.
It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.'
The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'
Showing posts with label funny joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny joke. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,"What's yours?""I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke. The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress."No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,"What's yours?""I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke. The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress."No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Monday, July 6, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley
A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley:
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!
Elderly Chuckle
A very old couple that have been married forever are sitting on
their porch one night.
their porch one night.
Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks
her husband, knocking him off the porch and into the bushes.
her husband, knocking him off the porch and into the bushes.
He crawls back up and asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "For having a little pecker."
He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her, sending her off the
other side of the porch and into the bushes.
She crawls back and says,
"What was that for?"
He says, "For knowing there was more than one size."
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Why, Why, Why...
Why, Why, Why,
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there
is not enough money?
Why does someone Believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, Why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE.......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there
is not enough money?
Why does someone Believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, Why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE.......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Thought For The Day...
Thought For The Day!
I'm just passing this thought along .....
Have you ever wondered if the five dollar bills in your wallet or purse were ever in a stripper's jock or butt crack with the G string?
If not, you're wondering now.
Have a nice day . :)
(and wash your hands!)
I'm just passing this thought along .....
Have you ever wondered if the five dollar bills in your wallet or purse were ever in a stripper's jock or butt crack with the G string?
If not, you're wondering now.
Have a nice day . :)
(and wash your hands!)
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Grammar
GRAMMAR
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently.' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,
'Is that one word or two?
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently.' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,
'Is that one word or two?
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Best Ever Blonde Joke
BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh. .. . ... . ..
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh. .. . ... . ..
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Love Story
The love story of Ralph and Edna...
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool.
Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.
'Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool.
Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.
'Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Little Johnny & Rabbits
Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!
Teacher: Where do you get seven from?
Johnny: Because I've already got one at home.
Johnny: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!
Teacher: Where do you get seven from?
Johnny: Because I've already got one at home.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Another Blonde Joke!
The Saga of the Blonde Who Wanted Alligator Shoes
A young blonde woman was driving through Southern Louisiana while on vacation.
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!
"The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Near by were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,
"CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!
A young blonde woman was driving through Southern Louisiana while on vacation.
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!
"The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Near by were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,
"CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!
Friday, June 12, 2009
'Service' Enlightenment
I was confused when I heard the word service used in these expressions.
Internal Revenue 'Service'
Canada Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service' City,
County, Provincial & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
Now you are as enlightened as I am.
Internal Revenue 'Service'
Canada Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service' City,
County, Provincial & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
Now you are as enlightened as I am.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Viagra - Double Dose
A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a double dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
"Why not?" asked the man.
"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.
The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up".
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
"Why not?" asked the man.
"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.
The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up".
Monday, June 8, 2009
Grandmas!!
Grandmas!!
Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.' The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.' Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - -
'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Lie Detector
LIE DETECTOR!
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,
their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late.
'Where have you been?
Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son,' said John,
'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up,
sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied..
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John.
'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John
and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!'
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha
and knocked her out of her chair.
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,
their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late.
'Where have you been?
Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son,' said John,
'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up,
sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied..
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John.
'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John
and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!'
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha
and knocked her out of her chair.
Friday, June 5, 2009
You Gotta Love Frank!
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business....
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities , but feared her enough to maintain their silence...
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one after noon...
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !
Frank , a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away...
He didn't explain, defend, or deny...
He said nothing....
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ...
Walked home .....
and left it there all night !!!
(You gotta love Frank!)
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities , but feared her enough to maintain their silence...
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one after noon...
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !
Frank , a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away...
He didn't explain, defend, or deny...
He said nothing....
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ...
Walked home .....
and left it there all night !!!
(You gotta love Frank!)
Thursday, June 4, 2009
$40,000 Funeral
John died.
His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Ann turned to her oldest and dearest friend.
'Well, I'm sure John would be pleased,' she said.
'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda , who lowered her voice and leaned in close.'
'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda , who lowered her voice and leaned in close.'
How much did this really cost?''
All of it,' said Ann 'Forty thousand.'
'No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'
Ann answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'
Brenda computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?'
Brenda computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?'
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Inspirational Humor
Inspirational Humor
The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest?met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing.. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?" The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, ?"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row please," she answered. "You really don't want to do that," the usher said "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. "No." he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No." she said. "Good," he answered.
Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.? The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."
The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation..
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. ?"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean "
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for?Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have that old goat for dinner."
The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest?met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing.. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?" The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, ?"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row please," she answered. "You really don't want to do that," the usher said "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. "No." he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No." she said. "Good," he answered.
Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.? The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."
The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation..
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. ?"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean "
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for?Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have that old goat for dinner."
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